Fathers Day and Loss

I Lost my dad unexpectedly in 2018. When everyone was celebrating for the upcoming year and Christmas break. I was taking my dad’s ashes to the sea. And speaking of father’s day, truth is I never celebrated father’s day etc, no not because I didn’t love my dad or anything like that. Its just we, well I didn’t do these annual namesake events in my life, grew up in that type of  culture, setting, alien to such “western” “modern” events. As a guy to be honest, I never did much for birthdays either, it felt out of place, a bit odd for guys like me. Being Someone who grew up in tougher societies, I have attended a poor kids birthday “party” and a rich kids birthday event. Neither felt right for different and perhaps obvious reasons. Grew up realizing and affirming that I don’t express love like that, may be many are in the same boat.

I always appreciate(d), love(d) and grateful for every person, loved one in my life, STILL DO, period. But I never let them know that as much as I could have. Old school way of living maybe, raised like that, dad was like that too. We may ensure we talk on occasions, but we don’t do say things like “happy birthday” or happy whatever day you know, we are not the celebratory or expressive types.  Like sometimes I cringe when I see people expressing how much they love their spouse or mom or dad in fb which in my mind should be a private expression to each other, why should everybody linked to you must know ? I often start wondering what’s the angle there. Like the other day I saw a gal public post to her husband, “happy 10^th anniversary love…blah” all I can think of is what did you do, what level of forgiveness or coverup or a gift need is this all amounting to. Now that said, I get sometimes we want to express how indebted or grateful we are to folks in our lives, but I think there is a thick line between these things and how to go about those, but I just find things have gotten pretty flaky. Growing up in an Irish school I was always taught deeds not words, lips tight shut but blood sweat and tears for em!

We men we never talked emotions with each other. We love(d) our daughters, we abundantly expressed our love always to them. But not much were expressed between us, and truth is I don’t have regrets. We shared a way of life, it was set, our ways were same. Though unspoken we knew our love, admiration for each other. Birthday or fathers day or some new day they come up with. We knew each day we were there for each other, we were doing what we can to keep it tight and keep it right every day and anyday. Our love and admiration didn’t just peak or become loud and proud on one called out marketing day, where we come running to express, publicly post how we celebrate our relationship. We quietly kept at it everyday till death, period. That’s how some men will always do it. I don’t see that going away. Heck in fact I prefer it that way and hope it stays that way. Men will be men. I miss him today like any other day and I know tomorrow will be the same.

But here is the bigger rub for me, the crappy thing about days like “father’s day” and “mother’s day”  is it forgets those who are hurting the most. Social media, forums, society at large in this digital age forgets the hurt in those who are enduring more on such trumpet wet days.  What about those who lost their dad. what about those who never had their dad most of their life. What about those who never knew their dad. I lately find most of such call out days are marketing gimmicks kept on for sales and of course many naïve fall for the tricks and tradition continues. One side note: Let me tell you one thing death brings to the table almost always, it is the simple profound question “Why”. Losing or not having a loved one is tough; this is real pain in your heart and in your eyes. Its destructive from the inside. In all such days, we must recognize this out there. I get it. 

Now this is not some sort of cancel culture BS. I want to say this, to those who miss, grieve for that one person the world seems to celebrate over on a day, celebrate the love you still have left, plant a new tree in that deep shade of solitude. Find peace in a new beginning, a new love, another love, another relation, a friend, or a child to pour some unconditional love. I am a father now, this day now has a new beginning, a new meaning for me to hold on, as my heart slowly painfully learns to let go of the old meaning. But know that you are not alone in your pain, know you are understood, your longing is accepted perhaps elsewhere, things may and will lead to a new road, a new beginning. Ignore those who don’t understand and hope you don’t be one who doesn’t understand all this either. Be kind, be well, do say when it needs to be said, and stay silent if it still expresses infinitely. Celebrate what you can with this world. Gentle is love, being human takes love and sacrifice.  Happy Father’s day to all.

pic credit: Nico Smit