what should I title this ?

...my mind wanders to my setbacks and my disappointments. How I have failed and how I continue to fail in certain things taunts me. I try to justify it’s a human condition though I know I am better than that. At First I find reasons or faults in others, but I know I contributed to things not them.  I force my mind to my own flaws and failures.  We are creatures of circumstances, but to a great measure circumstances are creatures of us. 

When I flounder in such, I cannot help but think of what could drive humans to be in much greater sadness, pain and hardships. I wonder what were ones choices and what were thrusted upon them.

Many had no choice. And Many did and chose very wrong.

I have a luck of finding documentaries on cable TV that reveal the mass shootings and bodies of people pulled out of gas chambers during Hitler’s reign. I find them in troubled moments which never helps or may be it helps too much.

I foolishly imagine what would go through my head before that bullet breaks my cranium. Will I be in fear of the pain to be inflicted upon me. Will I be crying for my end. Will I moan the deaths of those who were shot before me and my kids and family to die after me.  Do I know their fate? Did I hide them ? Or they already shot. My stomach turns and my eyes cannot hold. Do I accept or resist reality inducing more pain. This is a never ending thought.

I can not accept mankind is capable of this. But logic and facts that lay infront of me confirms it’s the case. I am destroyed.

I keep running this thought over and over again until there is nothing left of me that’s clear and sharp. I am mentally tired. This thought keeps running on an infinite loop on certain days some days in the background, for I don’t have an answer, what would I be then, in that instant of departure from all I know, without my free will, and in pain, agony, defeat and suffering,  and it destroys me.

Yesterday,  It happened again, this time I added the glimpse of a show on Gengis Khan. He was worse, killing abusing women and children of his enemies. Millions died because of him, its just so away in time that he is forgotten more than Hitler. And videotaping did not exist during his time. What bothers me is, though these were two, Hundreds of men and women followed their orders and killed innocent people.

I am ashamed of what we are and what we can do. In these moments of thoughts of what we as a species have done to each other I cannot even grip the idea or concept of God. It seems meaningless and furthermore, projects as yet another dangerous idea that could lead to millions facing tragic deaths.  If I was that jew dragged to the pit to be shot with hands tied and hundreds watching and waiting. With no hope, and endless tears, and loved ones killed in front me and or to be the next day or day after. The bullet is all I want.